More and more couples have been divorcing in recent years in our very own communities. What has led to this unfortunate occurrence and what steps should married people take to avoid such an outcome?

No one wants their marriage to end in a divorce. Partners promise to love one another till death do them part, but the recent reality is that many marriages frequently end in divorce. Divorce has become modern society’s cursed epidemic, causing significant psychological, social and health harm.

In 2007, the divorce rate in England and Wales was recorded at 12 people per 1000. In the US, an estimated 40% of all marriages ended in divorce in 2008. Figures show that the divorce rate for those in their 20s is now at an all time high.

High divorce rates are also seen in our own Shia Muslim communities too. Divorce is one of the most hated of the halals, or permissible acts but many cases are due to valid and unavoidable reasons.

Imam Sadiq (as) said: “Allah, Almighty and Glorious, is pleased with the house wherein marriage takes place and is displeased with the house wherein divorce is found, and there is nothing with Allah more hateful than divorce.”

Reasons for the rise in divorce rates

Times have changed from the days of our parents, when often couples only spoke once or twice before making the decision to wed, if even that. Divorce then was considered a social taboo and indicated the failure on the part of both partners to lead a successful family together. It could easily be argued that many were stuck in unhappy marriages, but because of the stigma associated with divorce these couples chose to remain together rather than separate.

In addition, many of our parents are first or second generation immigrants and many of our mothers don’t work in this country or may have abandoned their degrees in order to get married. This means they are less able to financially support themselves and are more likely again to stay with their husbands even if they encounter difficulties. With children involved, the situation becomes even more complicated.

Conversely, the empowerment of women has also contributed. Today’s woman is more likely to be independent, with a good education, fewer children and a job. Women now have a way out of an unhappy marriage and find it easier to leave and start again if necessary.

Hollywood movies and TV soaps and dramas have given people a new meaning to their expectations from marriage — people expect more from their relationships, sometimes too much, and inevitably are likely to be let down when reality does not live up to the ideal. If expectations are not met, people have no qualms about getting a divorce and starting over with a new partner.

Effects of divorce

Studies have shown that men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected. Mental health indicators affected by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others1.

If there are children involved, divorce increases their risk of interpersonal problems. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies that many of these problems are long lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood.

After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover, indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a long-term impact on the physical health of the body.

The holy prophet (pbuh) said: “Marry and do not divorce because the Throne of heaven quakes from divorce.”

Steps to take before marriage

It is crucially important that enough time is spent getting to know a potential marriage partner. Research about the potential spouse-to-be takes place either directly or indirectly.

Indirect investigation is where an enquiry is made about the potential spouse from someone else such as a friend, family member or neighbour. It is every Muslim’s responsibility to answer truthfully and justly when being asked as a reference for marriage, even if it necessitates repeating faults of the person or the respective family.

Direct investigation is where both sides talk directly about the important issues. This time should be spent constructively trying to learn as much as possible about the person: their hopes and dreams, their good points, their faults, about their family and friends and future ambitions.

Although some parents may impose restrictions on how long two potential marriage partners get to know each other, Islam does not place a time restriction as long as each person stays within their Islamic boundaries: there is no physical contact, parties avoid placing themselves in positions of suspicion and the conversation remains decent. Booklets and guidance published in recent years say that a few meetings as well as communication via the internet and telephone can all contribute to the process of spouse selection as long as Islamic restrictions are adhered to.

The Holy Prophet (pbuh) said: “He who wishes to be cleaned and purified when he meets Allah should marry and have a spouse.”

The fear of being lonely and the demands of society and family push some people to get married to people who are not of their own choice. It is vital however, to remember that marriage is for life. More time needs to be spent exploring compatibility issues, which some may refer to as “chemistry”, which is so often sidelined in the face of practicalities and box ticking.

There are numerous sayings emphasising the importance of ensuring compatibility between spouses. A man asked the Prophet (pbuh), “Whom should we marry?” The Prophet (pbuh) replied, “The suitable (matching) ones.” The harmony between husband and wife requires common ground in intellectual, spiritual and moral fields. Suitability also extends to include religious, cultural, educational, physical and familial fields.

Problems encountered post marriage

Once the step has been taken to accept the person as your life partner it is critical to realise that marriage is hard work. When couples start living together, they begin to realise each other’s faults and habits which they might find hard to cope with. One of the most common reasons cited for divorce is communication breakdown.

Commonly, couples become unable to communicate in a normal, meaningful fashion. In fact one of the best predictors of divorce is interaction difficulties such as frequent expressions of antagonism, lack of respect for each other’s ideas and similar interpersonal issues.

Financial issues are another common reason cited for divorce. Every couple has to deal with money at some stage, and when there is not enough to go around, differences in temperament and priorities are brought to a head. Disagreements over the allocation of money can often be enough to end an already irritated relationship.

Often outside interference can cause huge rifts between couples such as influences from immediate family or friends. Essential to a good relationship is not to allow people, including parents, cause a problem between you and your spouse. Sometimes even a well-meaning comment by a parent such as “why is your husband home so late?” or “why did your wife not cook for you today?” inadvertently causes you to have negative feelings towards your other half and this may lead into an argument. If this occurs on a regular basis it will put a strain on the relationship.

Interestingly couples whose marriages begin in romantic bliss are particularly divorce-prone because such intensity is too hard to maintain. Marriages that start out with less “Hollywood romance” usually have more promising futures.  After marriage hidden aspects of each spouse’s personality emerges and idealised images give way to more realistic ones. This can lead to disappointment, loss of love and, ultimately, distress and divorce.

All married couples eventually lose a bit of that honeymoon euphoria. But those who remain married don’t take this as a crushing blow, rather a natural transition from a romantic relationship to a working partnership. Your partner should be your friend, only in this way can problems be tackled successfully and overcome every time.

Advice for married couples

Young people can get sound marriage advice from many sources such as independent organisations, spiritual leaders and people who have been married for a long time. Talking to someone may shed a completely different light on a problem or situation and change perceptions; the important thing is to talk to someone who will be independent and honest in their advice.

When in trouble with your husband or wife, it is often best to avoid talking about these problems with your friends or parents. If your partner has done something wrong, your parents and/or friends will find it a lot harder to forgive them than you will. The next time you encounter a problem they may remind you of the last one you had. You cannot escape forgiveness in marriage. Islam teaches us to forgive our own enemies; what then of the people we should love the most?

The Messenger of Allah said: “The best deed before Allah is to pardon a person who has wronged you, to show affection for relatives who have broken ties with you, and to act generously towards a person who has deprived you.”

As mentioned above, although it is helpful to talk and seek advice, it is also important to avoid comparing relationships as individual circumstances are different. Everyone has strong points and weak points and people will most often share the positive things about their partners and avoid divulging the negative. Concentration and effort should go on maintaining the positives of a relationship and working at the negatives.

All marriages have their ups and downs. Recent research using a large national sample found that 86% of people who were unhappily married in the late 1980s, and stayed with the marriage, indicated when interviewed five years later that they were happier.

Have a strategy when dealing with marital problems. Try to look at the situation from your partner’s point of view. Instead of saying the first thing that pops into your head to your spouse in a heated discussion, consider the consequences before proceeding. People often say things they regret in the heat of the moment, and if time is given to cool down they realise that the situation is not as bad as they first thought.

Conclusion

Marriage in Islam is a sanctified bond that should not be broken except for compelling reasons. Couples are instructed to pursue all possible remedies whenever they encounter difficulties. Every issue should be confronted with a view of finding an amicable solution. If you are having problems remember that you are not alone.

Seek advice from those who are more experienced than you or can help to bring you and your partner together. Being unhappy at certain points in your marriage does not indicate that your marriage is doomed. Marriage is, as it has always been, hard work. It is not a static event that can be measured, but a series of developments, triumphs and setbacks that make up life.

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References:

1- “Marital Status Continuity and Change among Young and Midlife Adults: Longitudinal Effects on Psychological Well-being,” Journal of Family Issues 19 (1998): 652-686.

2- “The Effect of Marital Status on Stage, Treatment, and Survival of Cancer Patients,” Journal of the American Medical Association 258 (1987): 3125-3130