A portrait of change

My name is Hongie Lee, I am a British born Chinese who grew up in Manchester. My parents immigrated to the UK from Hong Kong in the early 1960s to escape hardship and seek a better life. Many years later I was born as the last of their eight children.

Growing up

As a youngster I grew up like most ordinary kids, laughing with my brothers and sister, playing fun games, watching television, going out and so on. By the time I reached the age of ten, I had an accident involving fire that left me facially scarred for life. I was taken to a burns unit where surgeons did all they possibly could in trying to save what was left of my old face. I had major operations that involved skin graphs and re-alignment of my eyes. I recovered and left hospital a few months later. My life thereon would never be the same again. It was the beginning of a whole new journey.

Growing up disfigured was one of the hardest obstacles that I have had to deal with. Physically I was somewhat healed but mentally I was incapable of dealing with the different levels of ignorance. It left me low in self esteem and broken in confidence. For the first time in my life I wished so much that I had not survived the accident.

I felt it was too hard to carry on. To me there was simply no meaning to my life and no point to carry on anymore. I felt and told myself that I had been cursed. One great aspect of my life was that I was fortunate to have a big family, my elder brothers would look out for me and in many kind respects, protect me. Their support and strength sometimes helped me to forget about the rest of the world. They helped me to feel alive again.

Losing a loved one

Five years had passed since my accident and I was coming toward the end of my high school education. I remember the day I returned home from school and my mother was not feeling very well. She had complained to me of a lot of pain that she was feeling. She was taken to hospital whereby she was diagnosed with liver cancer. She died three weeks later.

Nothing could prepare me for the loss. It was a really dark moment in my life. Nothing could be said or done to give me some kind of comfort. At worse I knew she would not be coming back and I never had the strength to deal with it, instead I just buried it deep within myself and it stayed there for many years. I rarely spoke about it.

Shortly after, I made a lot of decisions about my life and where I wanted to go. I changed a lot of my ways and moved away from the street life and enrolled myself in college. This later led me to achieving a place at university.

Giving up

Two years into the course, my dedication stopped, I did not feel I could carry on doing something that my heart was no longer interested in. In addition, my family was facing more problems. This was the point when I was so full of pain that I totally cracked. It left me with a deep sense of confusion, questioning, sadness but most of all I lost control and within that psychosis, I had somehow successfully convinced myself that there was no point in trying anymore.

I could not deal with the problems that were in my life. I did not know how to. There was nobody I could turn to and at worse there was no guide for me, this was a long lonely road. Eventually I gave up everything I had worked toward and went back to the street life. The mentality was all about making money by any means necessary – drugs, cars, stolen goods, fraud. Anything.

By the end of that period I moved into a new circle of people. And before I knew it I was affiliated with an organised criminal gang. Gang fights were common, jobs were endless and protection was just a phone call away. In that period I was also using a lot of drugs and drinking all sorts. I never stopped to question what I was doing because the lifestyle I was living felt better to the one I previously had. In all, it was an excuse to forget and a means to escape.

In the year 2003 I remember having an enjoyable laugh with my older brother about his new pair of trainers. Everything seemed just normal. That was our last laugh together. Two days later I was told he was dead.

So much pain

I never cried so much in all my life. I secretly blamed myself for what had happened and this took me into a dark period of deep depression. Over and over in my mind, I could not accept what had happened. The feeling of despair and the taunting thought of regret left me to be the target for my mental firing squad. I was left mentally dead.

I tried to carry on with my life the best I possibly could. Most times I pretended to others that I was feeling better. Really, I was hiding all the pain that I truly felt inside. By the end of that year I made a decision to move away from all the so called friends in my life. I stopped using drugs and hanging out at places that would lead me into trouble.

I decided to try and go straight hoping to change my crooked ways of life. I got myself a part time job, tried to look after my family and socialised with the friends that were good to be around.

Towards the end of 2007 the painful secrets that were buried so deep within kept whispering back to me. I was still in a state of denial. I was disappointed, angry and upset. I felt like I had tried so hard to get on with my life but I still ended up in a bad place. I tried to believe that my life was truly worth something, but the areas I looked into and assessed I could not see anything positive come out of them. I literally broke down at that point.

Words of Wisdom

To try and take my mind off the raging thoughts, I reached out to a small handbook titled ‘scattered pearls’- words of Imam Ali (as). This gift was given to me by a good friend of mine. I read it over and over and I was interested in the sayings that it had to offer. At first some of the words did not mean much. However, some did. The attachment with the book did one thing for sure – it made me forget about the troubles in my life.

Every other night I would read it just before I was about to sleep. On one particular night, I had a dream and saw Imam Ali (as). I found myself in a completely dark place in a position that I can only describe as not being able to move my legs. As I looked up I saw the shape of a man approach me, his face was completely full of bright light and he handed me a blank piece of paper. When I finally woke up in the morning, I remembered the dream but I did not think anything of it, I got ready for work and carried on with my daily business.

Later that evening I spoke to a friend to ask questions. In the conversation, the dream came back to me. I was asked to explain. There was a brief moment of silence. In reply, I was told that I was very lucky and that the dream has a big significance to it. I was not convinced at all. I thought how could I be so lucky after so much had happened to me? One of the advices that were given to me was to pray to God and ask him anything that I wanted to. At a time where my mind was full of doubt, uncertainty and the unknown, I got down on my knees and prayed for the first time. I said:

God if you are really there, then please answer my prayers and please forgive me for my sins. If you are really there then please help me. If there is something for me to know then please show me.

Taking steps

I had never been a ‘religious person’ nor had I a religious background. I simply told myself that I had nothing to lose. As time slowly progressed I could feel something ‘going on’ inside, to this day I cannot explain that warm feeling. I just knew it was something good and it did not go away. I spent a lot of time alone, thinking, writing and going for many walks. I started to feel true peace for once in my life. This development led me to one thing – to carry on going with it.

To further my insight I began reading the Holy Quran and tried to think over the verses. I also started a book titled Nahjul Balagha (the peak of eloquence); the content literally blew my mind away (and still does). So much of it made great sense to me, I began to act by the advice that was given and this became one of my main resources.

In addition, the reading that injected life back into my heart was the tragic event of Karbala. I stopped so much to think and question, by my own comparison all of my problems just seemed so small. I grew with understanding, appreciation and admiration. Within a short period of time, I ended up like a magnet – just searching for more and more knowledge.

I continued to study using up most of my spare time. Within myself I could feel a change and I was experiencing what I would describe as a ‘loosening’ of my troubled past. I felt warm shivers when I would read and when I talked to friends. It was a good feeling.

Thinking about a decision

Everything that I had learnt so far, including the shivers, the prayers, the feeling of change, the understanding of knowledge and the long periods of inner peace, all lead me to ask myself one thing: am I ready to become a Muslim?

I knew it was a big decision to make. I felt afraid of what my family would say and what friends would think. Everything I could possibly think of was taken into account for the decision. In a nutshell, I knew the rest of my life would completely change forever.

It was a very serious matter to me; the most fearful part was not knowing what lay ahead.

Again I prayed as this was the only thing I felt I could do, I asked God one thing only on this occasion and that was; if I am to be a Muslim and that is the right path for me, then please guide me to it.

By the end of the following few months, my heart and mind were in a state of bliss. I had never experienced this level of peace and happiness before. Every day, the world around me just appeared totally different. I observed all my surroundings that I knew mankind had no control over. I had seen the countless signs of creation in the day and in the night. In short, I accepted that there was a creator, because all I could see around me was nothing but His creation.

Ready for change

I continued thinking and reflecting on my situation. Gradually, I became thankful to be alive each and every day. I became very appreciative for the little I had in life. I stopped complaining about how bad my life was. In the greatest sense I felt like a huge weight had been taken off and that ‘something’ had literally been removed from the front of my eyes. I ended up seeing and understanding my life in a totally different positive way.

By then, I knew in the true depth of my heart that this was the right thing to do. I could not deny it whichever way I tried to challenge it. I prayed to express my thankfulness. It was time and in my heart I was ready.

In May 2008 I made the declaration and I felt overwhelmed by the warmth that had filled my entire heart. To me, that was the official beginning of a journey that would be (and still is) more than great. I am forever thankful to the All-Powerful and the All-Merciful.

No turning back

Being the person I am today I live my life one step at a time. By following the Prophet of Islam and his Pure Progeny (peace be upon them) I no longer live my life walking in circles. I have a true guide and I am walking a clear and straight path. I am at peace with myself.

When I do look into my past I no longer fill my mind with regret and hurt, instead I find positive lessons that contain great value. Islam has taught me that life is so fragile and so precious. I have learned to adjust happily to my new way of life; sometimes I think how amazing this journey has become and I feel fortunate and content to say the least. From my previous ways of life I feel I have truly filled a missing space within. Moreover, I have found that my life is truly worth something and I have found a true purpose to live for.

I have learnt to truly accept that I cannot change my past but I can change the outlook of my future. God willingly, I can continue on the right path to become a better person and make improvements in all the areas of my life. Choosing to become a Muslim has been the best decision that I have ever made.

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I would like to thank my friend and brother in faith Mohsin Shabbir, I sincerely hope that you and your family are rewarded for all the kindness that has been given to me over the many years. For I have heard; “anyone who has saved a life, it would be as though he has saved all mankind” (Quran 5:32).